3rd leg
Another F'ing Post?!?!?!

Friday, January 16, 2004

If you weren't scoring at home, this has to be some single-week record for number of posts from yours truly. It was obviously not a record number of week for the comments section. Which means yea me, boo you...

As a new feature at 3rd Leg, I've decided to offer movie reviews (free of charge!) accompanied by potential spoilers for movies that I will never see, nor actually waste my breath talking to anyone who's actually seen the movie to confirm my suspicions or set me straight... These synopses and critiques will be strictly formulated by viewing trailers, commercials and print ads, which in some cases means we'll be able to dissect the entire plot including every character arc without even having to hit the ATM or risk ripping up an ACL by slipping on some unmopped popcorn butter... As always, Enjoy!

Mona Lisa Smile - In this tear-jerking, brassiere-clutching, coming-of-age story, Julia Roberts plays an art history teacher, Miss Mona, at an all-girls prep school. (See how easy this is!). She has two very annoying and time-consuming students whom we'll call Maggie and Julia, and one who's not quite so annoying (but cute as a button), and I suppose we'll call her Kirsten. Problem is the girls hate art and school in general. However, they're intrigued and inspired by their new free-spirited and independent teacher, Miss Mona, who is not an accredited teacher at all, but a slightly retarded escapee from a New England psychiatric ward for the criminally insane. Yet she's able to pull off the charade as no one realizes that she smiles way too much for a sane and/or normally functioning woman. Under the guise of "accepting womanhood through art exploration," Miss Mona convinces the girls to accompany her to an art gallery where she sets them up to take the fall for a plot-twisting heist of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of one of a kind da Vinci and Picassos. The girls are found guilty of grand larceny and sentenced to 20 years in prison, while neither Miss Mona nor the paintings are ever found. After a 20-minute montage of prison life, heavy on the shower scenes, 19 years have passed. With the girls now in their late 30's they begin to prepare for life on the outside and revenge. Upon their release they somehow hunt down Miss Mona, now a retiree in her late 50's, and bludgeon her to death with sticks and stones. After her last breath, Miss Mona's eyes flutter, and her face displays a lasting and mysterious smirk. Hence, the Mona Lisa smile, an irony that is not lost on her former students, leaving them laughing maniacally as they plan their own lives as career criminals on the run...

Chasing Liberty - Erick's dreamgirl, Mandy Moore, plays Liberty LaRue, the first daughter of Larry LaRue, President of the United States. During a ceremonial visit to Buckingham Palace, Princes William and Harry slip Liberty some GHB, and when she awakes, the angel-faced brothers have her nude and tied to the four corners of a bed in a seldom-used room located in the servant's wing of the Palace. After a lengthy polo match, William and Harry return home to find that Liberty has escaped. Her disappearance causes an international incident, and as tensions mount between the U.S. and England, Liberty is safely in the hands of a near-sighted mute, played by the dude from Mr. Bean. She falls in love with her silent, legally blind hero only to have him unceremoniously shot and killed by the Secret Service once they finally catch up with her. William and Harry have air-tight alibis, and Liberty's unbelievable story lands her in a convent, where she spends the rest of her days in complete and utter silence...

Cheaper by the Dozen - Funnyman Steve Martin is unbelievably cast as a prominent college head football coach, with 12 bratty kids at home tormenting their mother and baby-sitters as he heads off for a summer recruiting tour. Having failed to land a blue-chip linebacker in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Coach Martin heads to a local strip club in search of suds and lap dances to drown his sorrows. After inquiring about the cost of a lap dance, a stunning 6' tall Korean girl named Kiki, tells him they're $20 apiece, but that they're "cheaper by the dozen." The rest of the movie is Kiki giving Martin 12 consecutive lapdances to the musical stylings of Guns 'n Roses and Motley Crue.

I'd conclude with Torque, but I've been tough enough on this one during the course of the week. Instead I'll take this opportunity to introduce you to one of the film's stars, Monet Mazur. You may have seen Monet last in 40 Days/40 Nights where she unsuccessfully tried to seduce Josh Hartnett atop a copy machine...

From the looks of it, she's a little more successful with the biker boys, though sadly even Cube's profanity couldn't get more than a PG-13 rating for this one...

Which of course means you should absolutely wait for the unrated DVD...

How to Make an Easy $1.8 Million

It should be no surprise that the barely R-rated images of Jaime Pressley in this month's Playboy referred to earlier this week, can be found at GorillaMask. I say barely R-rated, because Jaime didn't bare all. To me, if you're going to collect a check from Playboy, you should fully expect and be happy to go Full Monty. We've seen sand and bathrobes before, we have not however had the privilege to appreciate and admire the handiwork of her Brazilian wax, or dare to dream her Lady Bic.

And along those lines, Stacy's Mom---Rachel Hunter---has agreed to a mere $1.8 million payday to a similar topless-only shoot.

After 50 years, this could be the single moment in which Playboy Magazine has finally jumped the shark. While Playboy can boast superb writing and artisitic photography to distinguish themselves from their tackier competition, they're moving closer and closer to the ho-hum reaction of a Victoria's Secret or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. In fact, they're even using the same girls now!

But Miss Hunter's issue is probably still a couple of months away from the newsstand, which means everyone should appreciate next month's pictorial featuring the WWE's Sable and Trish.

In other news, if you followed yesterday's MadPony link, it's obvious that the One Week song had the desired effect. You're welcome...

Yes, I realize that it's entirely hypocritical of me to be so critical of other bloggers taking unannounced breaks, as I've been known to go months without posting----and I'm completely alright with that. Just like a father that irrationally decrees, "Do as I say, not as I do," I usuallly know best.

Tonight, I may actually pay to see a movie. Because Ben Stiller is just that damn funny.

Barenaked Ponies

Thursday, January 15, 2004

(sung to the Barenaked Ladies' One Week)

It's been one week since a Pony post
can't decide if it's Kristin or Lauren who I love most
Five minutes since I refreshed their site last
saying get it together and get something up fast
Three days til I think something's wrong
but maybe they'll return as soon as I write this song
Yesterday OU lost the bedlam game
but it'll still be two days till I call the girls lame

Stop right now and make a (3rd Leg) hyperlink
As I try to get pink
You'll think you've found Mister Right Now
I drop a rhyme on a dime
When I've got a little time
I have 'em on their back so quick they wonder how
Dressed to kill when I go out
Drop em if they don't put out
Because I'm all about gettin' mine
Tony Pierce gets the mad hits
Raymi shows her tits
And I suppose they look just fine
Have a pancake or wake and bake
But instead a protein shake
Because I'm tryin' to watch my figure
Gonna do a crunch, before and after lunch
Quicker than a sucker punch
Except in bed where I'm less than pure

How can I help it if I think the Pony girls are cute
like how Lauren looks in her Equestrienne suit
I'm the kind of guy that gets little crushes
Give them a wink and a smile
and stare until she blushes
I have a tendency to go that extra mile
I have a history of taking off my pants

It's been over a week since Kristin's trip
Didn't say if more than a light beer can touched her lip
Five days since she wiped flour on her hips
I've still got the image on my mental fingertips
It's been three days since my last Red Bull
The Oklahoma girls' absence is getting critical
My favorite Olsen is Mary-Kate
And now I sit back and wait until the Pony update
Sit back and wait until the Pony update
Sit back and wait until the Pony update
Snoop Doggy Dogg, m-f'n cousin of Nate...

Enough about Scarlett

Alright, we get it already. When you look up 'It' in the dictionary, you'll see the picture to your left. Scarlett Johannson is overly talented for her young age, the camera loves her, you can't take your eyes off her, blah, blah, blah... If you ask me she's no Keira Knightley, and her upcoming movie The Girl With the Pearl Earring, would sell a helluva lot more tickets if it were titled The Girl With the Pearl Necklace, and you know this man.

You can expect a couple of things upon your daily visit to 3rd Leg. You've got a 50/50 shot of seeing a cute girl, and you've got no shot of being hit up for a PayPal donation, wading through advertising banners, or until now political analysis.

That changes today as I've just learned that Moseley Braun has dropped out of the presidential race. I am both shocked and appalled. Nevermind that until today that I was so embarrassingly out of touch that I had no idea who Carol Moseley Braun was or is, but I can say with some level of political expertise that if an African-American woman from Chicago is ever to be elected president, her name will be Oprah and not Carol.

So, now the democratic party has Kerry, Dean, Gephart, Edwards, Lieberman, Clark, and I'm assuming Al Sharpton is still in the race, for consideration... And maybe, just maybe one darkhorse write-in candidate running on a simple yet admirable platform of isolationism and improved public transportation...

But who would have the chutzpah and competitiveness to take a stand as the unbelievable-against-all-odds-truly-of-the-people underdog candidate? It'd have to be someone with enough loyal followers/unpaid volunteers to conduct a ground-breaking grassroots and internet driven campaign.



Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Your eyes are not deceiving you, three days---three posts. You're welcome, or deal with it, whatever the case may be.

Just thought I'd take this opportunity to backtrack a bit. Last evening I received my monthly black shrink-wrapped package from Mr. Hefner and was delighted to find one Miss Jaime Pressley on the cover. Although she convinced the photographer to show no fun and fuzzies, it still took me aback, and reminded me of some not so nice things I said about her new movie Torque. When I prematurely made those critical comments, I had no idea that she was in the cast. If there's one thing you can say about Miss Pressley, it's that she simply does not make poor career choices.

I now have no doubt that the same woman who accessorized instant screen classics like Joe Dirt, Poor White Trash and of course Poison Ivy 2: The New Seduction, will no doubt do the same with Torque. Even if Ice Cube is still in it...

Now, give me a P! Give me an F! Give me a P! What's that spell?...

Miss Bynes, We'll See You Now...

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

You can have your Lindsay Lohan's, Kaley Cuoco's, Mandy Moore's and Hillary Duff's... Amanda Bynes is the officially endorsed jailbait celebrity of 3rd Leg Productions. I'm not sure when she turns 18, but I know it's this year, and I know that she's 'maturing' much more quickly and tantatizingly than the afore-mentinoned teenaged actresses. No offense, Kaley---but there can be only one underaged lust object here, and you finished a very close second.

Other important early proclamations of 2004---it's all about the abs, and the screenplay this year. I can say it now as I've given the two much thought over the last two weeks and am still convinced that in the next twelve months, I can achieve both.

The abs are the easy part. Most years I train my core, when I think about it, which is usually once or twice a month. Not enough to realize any significant or visible gains. Surely I can commit myself to a once a week, focused session and go from there, right?

The screenplay is a little dicier, as it's much more time consuming. In 2003, I had actually started a heart-warming tale of a 5th grader's last day of school gone horribly wrong and how it affected his yound adulthood to the point that the only solution was----well, doesn't matter. Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller have a movie in production that's simply too close, so I've scrapped the whole thing. I've thought for a long time that I could pull off the first time screenwriter six-figure sale. Usually it's when some crapper comes out like 'Snow Dogs' or 'Kangaroo Jack' or most recently 'Torque,' that has me convinced if some studio is not only buying, but making that crap, then surely I could turn out something a little less crappy, yet still commercial enough to get green-lighted.

I won't be seeing 'Torque,' but suffering through the non-stop assault of :30 second commercials where Ice Cube says menacing things like, "Damn, right!" and two motorcycle chicks have the following, excruciating exchange, "You messed with the wrong girl!" "No, looks like you did." Ugh. Like the Eggo guy says, it's not rocket surgery. But like I said, there's a time crunch. I have no desire to limit my college basketball or reality television viewing schedules. So, my plan involves writing no less than 5 pages of script every weekend. No excuses. At that rate I should be up to 150 pages by the end of July, when I'll begin the second draft and pitch development.

I'm totally serious. If only because I had a dream last night about Miss Bynes sitting on my casting couch. I will neither confirm nor deny that Allison was also there and may or may not have been my script-reading/personal assistant with a peculiar knack for dictation. What? It could happen...


Monday, January 12, 2004

After being away for a 3-day weekend, I am ready once and for all to declare Tony Pierce the hardest-working-man in the blogosphere. We’re talking 9 freakin’ posts since Friday. Nine!!! One of which contained 82 F-Bombs! 82!!! In an era when many popular bloggers take an entire weekend off and use Monday as the single post 2-day recap. Let alone the lazy ones like me that pat themselves on the back for two-three posts in a week.

Tony has no shortage of groupies, fans, and nice things said about him on a regular basis, so it’s not like I’m breaking any ground with this assertion, or like he needs the additional love or traffic. His adoring readers far outweigh the occasional hater not down with the idea of a 109 year old with an afro (not anymore) bedding naieve, blonde 20-somethings. Or those that don’t like the fact that without saying anything sometimes, he’s saying everything and more importantly he gets thousands more hits per hour in the process than they may in a month. Or the Paypal donations, Blook 1 and Blook 2, ugly red and black sweaters, unsolicited sexy pics from barely legal cheerleaders and schoolgirls in his mailbox, on the down-low ground-breaking side projects, etc.

I personally don’t always agree with what Tony’s selling, and my particular preference for writing is a little more punctuated and occasionally capitalized then what you’ll find at the busblog. But you simply can’t deny that his blog is the best place, if not the only place to go for real pictures of seemingly attainable, cuter than cute girls with eyes (and other things) to consider selling one’s soul for, and it’s the only place to go if you’re looking for timely and unique thoughts on any number of thought-provoking topics of the day.

When he finds something new, hot or otherwise worthwhile, he acts as the dutiful messenger and non-commissioned publicist. Without his site, I may never have found Moxie or MadPony or Raymi or Stephandlola or DirtyFez or MeltingDolls, or other talented BILFS that I’ve since subconsciously cast as regular cameos and fluffers in my dreams.

His work was the motivating factor behind the birth of this blog, and I’m assuming that’s true with a host of other sites he unknowingly and anonymously inspired from afar. Simply put without the busblog, there is no 3rd Leg. I’ve never spoken to the dude, never bought him a shot of rum, never hit on one of his “sloppies,” never called him off a flyball so I could selfishly make a web-gem…though any number of those things could happen someday I suppose.

To those that don’t get him, and more specifically those that choose to hate instead of appreciate, I’d say you still have to respect the thankless effort, attention and creativity he brings nearly each and every day, and if every blogger not named Tony Pierce brought it half as hard, half as often, the blogosphere and world would still be a much improved place.

The preceding unpaid message brought to you by the PFP…

If you’re asking yourself, “What’s the PFP?” Then you better ask somebody… And if they don't know, then you'll want to check back here often between now and the Democratic National Convention.