3rd leg
If Only They Still Played Videos

Friday, December 05, 2003

I don’t have any real, usable knowledge to drop on you today, but I do have some things floating around up in my head, the conclusion of which I feel fairly confident will result in a historic number of postings, from you the crazed and loyal readers of this little slice o’ blog heaven.

First, why yes I did visit a tanning bed last night---thanks for asking. I’ll assume you’re asking because my skin tone looks like I was on the golf course for 36 holes without sunscreen, yet there’s snow on the ground, and it’s unlikely I was able to fit two rounds of golf in between the time I left the office last night (after everyone) and the time I arrived this morning (before everyone). But if you think my face and neck is red, you oughta see the booty, thank god I socked the important part up. So, after 12 short minutes in the stand-up, I’ve only got one tan line, one that depending on my mood can be anywhere from 4 to 9 and one quarter inches in length. And yes, I feel confident in the statistical reliability of those numbers, because I’m just that curious, and there’s been a number of evenings where I’ve been just that bored and narcisstic.

Next, if you’re lucky enough to see me tonight---it may look like I’m drinking, but I’m actually not. That means the drunker you get, the more likely I am to get annoyed and not think you’re nearly as funny or hot as you start to think you are. It may even mean that I tire of you completely and call it an early night. We’ll see…

Finally, I spent part of last evening watching MTV 2’s Old School Hip-Hop, because there’s not jack else on after Survivor on Thursdays. The first video I caught was Prince’s ‘Get Off.’ One of the hottest videos of all time, which prompted the following stream of conscious thought shortly thereafter…

What are the hottest videos ever made? Let’s see what kind of a list I can come up with right off the top of my head, in the order in which they come to me:

"Sharp Dressed Man" – ZZ Top: The chick in the pink tank top thought it was especially cold out.

"Baby Got Back" – Sir Mix a Lot: You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don’t lose that butt.

"Hot for Teacher" – Van Halen: Definitely #1, undisputed, even if it was the 3rd one I thought of.

"Girls, Girls, Girls" – Motley Crue: My 3 favorite things!

"Just Like a Prayer" – Madonna: Obviously she’s the Queen, and I could have just as likely listed "Vogue," "Open Your Heart," or "Express Yourself." Actually "Express Yourself" is probably a little bit hotter than Prayer. Even if it didn’t get her dropped by Pepsi.

"Venus"- Bananarama: Red latex devil costume. Nuff said.

"I’m a Slave" – Britney: Her finest work to date. Wet and sweaty, just how daddy likey.

"Dirrty" – Xtina: You had me at "I’m throwin’ elbows," Christina. You had me at "I’m throwin’ elbows…"

"California Girls" – David Lee Roth: Even though he’s gotten more cartoonish and absurd with age, dude had no shortage of hotness in his vids.

"Cradle of Love" – Billy Idol: I lived in apartment complexes for years upon years, and never had a jailbait neighbor, let alone one that needed me to play a tape for her.

"Cold Hearted" – Paula Abdul: Hot even before the dancers pull the shades.

This was the initial list, and then after a little more thought I came up with the following additions;

"Crazy in Love" – Beyonce: Would have been better if she stayed in the first outfit for the song’s duration.

"Operation Tango" – Shakira: Talk about shakin’ it like a Polaroid picture. Dah-yum!

"I Touch Myself" – Divinyls: If only proof that at one time my standards for ‘scintallating’ were much, much lower.

"Simply Irressistible" – Robert Palmer: And now, simply dead. Rest in piece, oh well dressed rock icon.

"She’s Got the Look" – Prince/Sheena Easton: Whatever happened to ol’ Sheena? I think her solo "The Lover in Me" was muy caliente as well.

Then a couple videos I can’t even remember the names of thanks to no MTV-love in the form of not enough airplay. Carmen Electra’s "Get on Up," maybe? And Cathy Dennis’ "Come on and Show my Love," perhaps? And then what about a little Black Box, "Everybody"?

There you have it. Now, I’m sure you’ll tell me what I missed, or thank me for bringing back some good memories.

Last note o’ the day, one of my co-workers just informed me that last night she met a 24-year old who had a heart attack after 5 Absolut Red Bulls. Simultaneously I thought, "Yea right" and "What a little bea-otch." Anyway, he doesn’t touch the stuff anymore. And you know what that means?

That’s right, more for me…

Tie Me Up

Thursday, December 04, 2003

I'll be honest, I watched the first three episodes of The O.C. and then grew a little bored and didn't catch it again until last night.

During my absence, the dorky/funny kid became a leading candidate for Pimp of the Year somehow managing to land not one, but two hot dates to accompany him to some Xmas party. Each of the girls uses the occasion to make their intentions abundantly clear by giving him an early 'present.'

Girl #1, a short haired blonde, custom makes a comic book featuring him as the main character.

Girl #2, a curvy brunette, takes him away from the party and into a private room to reveal that underneath her evening gown she's rockin' a full-on Wonder Woman outfit, gold lasso and all...

But just as she's about to tie our boy Seth Cohen up, Girl #1 interrupts and intervenes. The mood is spoiled as and both girls immediately leave (this is prime time Fox after all) telling him he'll have to make a choice once and for all... A dilemma that seems to confuse young Seth.

It's not that hard playa---if a girl dresses up as Wonder Woman (or Catwoman, Bat Girl, Princess Leia in her Jabba the Hut slave outfit, a cheerleader, librarian, teacher, secretary, nurse, french maid, etc.) for you on Xmas (on any other day/special event), yea that'll pretty much seal the deal.

Keep that in mind ladies as you're struggling to decide what to get your man (or woman) this holiday season... And if you take my unsolicited suggestion, yes you are obligated to email me a pic as your thanks...


Wednesday, December 03, 2003

I don’t necessarily mean to perpetuate any double standards with the following and long overdue observations, though it should be noted that I have successfully completed a semester of Women’s Studies---so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. Anyway, after years of inter-gender relations I think I’ve finally got it figured out. ‘It’ being girls, well at least their respective classifications.

Good girls- These girls often have outstanding relationships with both their mother and father, so much so that they tell them absolutely everything that’s going on in their lives. If they’re in a relationship, there’s a good chance it’s with someone they’ve known since high school, and if they’re available, they just can’t believe how many jerks are out there, and how quickly they all want to get them in bed. They only shop at Victoria’s Secret for practical items, and point and giggle at the especially naughty, uncomfortable looking offerings. Good girls can’t handle their alcohol, which is good because they rarely drink anyway, and when they do it’s something colorful with a cute name. And if they have two, someone’s going to need to be prepared to hold their hair while they download at night’s end. They attend church much more frequently than they do bars and they have neither seen, nor heard of the Paris-Rick home video. Though they think Paris is a totally sweet name. Good girls don’t have to be virgins, though they can have had no more than two partners. And they can’t have really enjoyed any of those experiences, because they insisted the lights be off, and they really didn’t know what they were doing, nor were confident enough to offer any assistance whatsoever. Therefore they believe sex to be totally overrated. Good girls should only be pursued by ‘good boys’ (rare), closeted homosexuals, Mormons , or by anyone that doesn’t mind waiting until marriage for Pandora’s Box to be cracked (see: Nick Lachey).

Examples: Mandy Moore, Hillary Duff, Natalie Portman

Good girls who think they’re bad- As good girls grow a little older and gain ‘experiences’, and/or join sororities (no offense, Kristin), they begin to think they’re really not so good after all. They own and (gasp!) wear thongs and g-strings, and sometimes (double-gasp!) actually read the saucy articles in Cosmo and (triple-gasp!!!) even consider utilizing some of the techniques they’ve learned about. These girls are a little more outwardly flirty and therefore more appealing to the opposite sex, until their ruse is discovered when ‘meaningful’ progress is delayed, like when the fourth date inexplicably ends without any ‘action’. They’ve had 3-5 partners, but have stuck to only basic, unimaginative positions and only swallow by accident, and should that happen they’re extremely pissed until they are convinced it truly was an accident (yeah right). They love Sex and the City, but think it’s slightly exaggerated for entertainment purposes, especially Samantha. They’ll watch a movie with you, but more out of unbelievable curiosity than any desire to replicate the XXX action. And they’ll say ‘gross’ and ‘ewww.’ A lot.

Example: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Biel, Rachel Leigh Cook

Bad girls who want you to think they’re good- Girls in this category are comparable to a video game’s secret code, or the hidden features on a DVD. You’ve heard they’re out there, and with a little work and focus you can occasionally hit the mother lode. These girls care, really care what both their friends and your friends think. So while they may bust out the baby oil, latex, candle wax, and/or whipped cream on special occasions, you sure as hell better not be telling anyone about it. If word does ever get back round to them that you’ve been telling stories, she will immediately break things off, temporarily date one of her ex’s friends as revenge, and then will break up with him too never to be seen or heard from again. These are girls that only smoke when they drink, but never buy their own cigarettes---though they do carry a lighter. They also carry one single condom at all times. If they’re out and in the mood but in a relationship, they’ll consider a one-night stand with another. But, only if he has much game, goes to his place---not hers, and she can be up and gone by sunrise. You can take her to a strip club, and she may even enjoy a lap dance. They’ll let you leave the lights on, get on top, and tell you about the times she’s french kissed a girl. Just don’t tell anybody.

Example: Alyssa Milano, Amanda Peet, Jaime Pressley

And last but not least, the super freaks…

Bad girls- Unfortunately and often sadly, you don’t want to know the extent or nature of their first sexual experiences. These girls can’t be shocked and truth be told are much more experienced than you’d ever even dream of claiming to be. They’ve had relationships with a European, musicians, professional athlete, married man, and/or identical twins. They’re down for absolutely whatever, and have no problem telling you exactly what they like, where they like it and when they like it---except for you already know that ‘when’ is really whenever. You’ve also got various sizes, colors and brands of protection to choose from. Pajamas and robes are only used when it’s really cold, and no bed sheet is required for the trip to the bathroom or to start a pot of coffee. She has ‘toys’ that are painful even to look at, and she’s more than happy to bring out and use in your presence. Not only will she let you put it ‘there,’ she wouldn’t mind going ‘there’ on you as well. These girls have their own cigarettes, and actually smoke afterwards---but only as a way of letting their man recover for the next go round. Every guy needs a least one experience with a bad girl, before settling down. Yes it can be fun and mutually rewarding, but at the end of the day it’s sort of like being with a dude. After all it’s dudes that society allows and expects to be obsessed with sex on an hourly basis, and while you always thought you were good for at least three pops a night, damn a brother needs to rest. Which is exactly when the bad girl will decide you’re not quite as bad as she thought you were, and she’s gone anyway. This makes the transition back to one of the other girls much easier as you’ve now had a taste of what you thought you were looking for all these years, and have finally realized you just can’t quite handle. These girls are a lot like Christmas, lots of anticipation and fun while it lasts---but not necessarily something you could put the same time and emotional investment in to more than once (or twice) in a given year.

Example: Heather Graham, Tara Reid, Pamela Anderson (but don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be blonde to classify as a ‘bad girl’)

So there you have it, and I only ask that if you are a female and happen to fall in to one of the latter two categories, you drop me a line or two, and your number… I’m not scurrred, and I’m just starting to warm up after round 3.

What Does Generic Mean?

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

So without any help from most of you (thanks Livia!) I'm thinking of kicking either Aqua di Gio or Jean Paul Gaultier's Le Male in the oh-4... I've not ever smelled either, so last chance to steer me in the right direction...

Congrats to Trevor for getting out of his lease and very nearly fulfilling his father's ominous predictions regarding his GPA. Don't worry, school will always be there for you when you're really, really ready. Your early to mid-20's on the other hand will not.

The debut of The Simple Life was just ah-ight, but the season's previews have me looking forward to the Sonic uniform's short shorts, and the bikini car wash. Neither Paris or Nicole is as dumb as say a Jessica Simpson or an Anna Nicole Smith, and they actually come off as likable, though definitely privileged. But who needs to experience pig's feet in their lives? Yet, knowing what a soup kitchen is, or that you can get more than wall supplies at Wal-Mart, seems like information most every 22-year old would know. Well, maybe not Ally Hilfiger....

Lastly, I'm sure this will upset some of you, but I've never been a big Jay-Z fan. At least not as a rapper. I dig his rags-to-riches work ethic, and that he may or may not be serious about giving up the rap game to do something more important, like run a major record label and/or bang Beyonce. A large part of the dislike comes from my utter hatred of Annie's 'It's a Hard Knock Life.' It is the worst show tune in the history of stage and screen and it simply did not need to be sampled.

However, I did dig him on Pharrell's 'Frontin,' and I'm really digging him on Outkast's Big Boi's track #14. Yes, there are other songs on those albums besides 'Hey Ya' and 'I Like the Way You Move.'

All to say, I may actually break down and buy the Black Album. If I was the kind of unabashed opportunistic blogger to have an Amazon wish list on this site, I'd have you get it for me.

But I don't and I won't and instead, I only ask that you simply pay it forward sometime today...

Just kidding...