3rd leg
Kidnapper or Oak?

Friday, March 14, 2003

Last week's game was Terrorist or Pornstar...This week it's Kooky Kidnapper or Oak Ridge Boy... One of these guys is the transient, self-styled prophet nabbed this week for kidnapping Elizabeth Smart, the other is one of the four voices of country and western music's The Oak Ridge Boys... Ready? Set?... Which is Which?



P.S. I'm this week's honorary HoseMonster, and you're not...

3 Things

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

1. I'm an idiot. Last night I was accumulating a load of worn whites on the floor of my office, and in the process of taking it to my laundry room I inadvertently included one of my black dress shoes. Luckily they hadn't been polished in a while, so the load wasn't ruined---unfortunately the shoe was. The problem is they were a square toes, and I'd gotten used to that style, and instead I've had to rely on an old pair, with a more traditionally rounded style that has left me feeling very self-concious today. No me gusto! Kristin probably wouldn't think this was as tragic of an event as I do, namely because it means a pair of new shoes. Maybe she'd give me a discount if I bought them from her in Norman, Oklahoma...

2. That scenario is actually more doable than you might think. I'm actually headed to the hometown of MadPony next Thursday morning, and will be staying til Sunday. Jealous? Thought so. I've got a suite at the Rennaisance in Bricktown, will be hanging at the Ford Center all day and early evening Thursday and Saturday, and hopefully will be in front of multiple big screens from 11a.m. to 11p.m. on Friday---Mickey Mantle's? If you are in the area and see an attractive, well dressed, slightly inebriated, bleary eyed, guy with a shaved head, thin goatee and a couple of hoop earrings----it may very well be yours truly. But please keep in mind that the guys I'm rolling with have absolutely no idea of this blog, or my secret 3rd Leg identity. So instead of blowing my cover, give me one of those knowing Fight Club nods that you'd give Tyler Durden. Or just simply initiate a March Madness related conversation, until you can subtlely and privately confirm my identity. BAR Oklahoma is another definite stop on this roadtrip. The rest of you will have to settle for my recap on Monday morning, but it could be slightly edited as what goes on the road stays on the road.

3. Finally, the people at Dr. Scholl's must be stopped. If I ever heard a person in real life say things like "I'm like Magellan, I'm so gellin" or "Quit yellin, we're gellin," I'd be looking for a lead pipe or other nearby blunt objects.

O.K., I lied---there's more.

I knew I never should have cancelled my FHM subscription. One month later I'm headed to the newstand to pay cover price, simply because I have a thing for sexy older women. Especially this one.

Last but not least, some of you may know by now that Grumpy Greg is now Lonely Greg, or as I like to call him Free Greg. As in free at last, free at last, Lord almighty free at last! Even though some of us may have seen this coming months and months ago, now is not the time for I-told-you-so's. It's actually time to drop Greg a line and remind him how lucky he is to be a 21 year old, fairly mobile, unattached college student. One that's not headed to Iraq. It could always, always be worse. Besides, what is they say about better to have loved and lost, rather than having never loved at all?

Of course that's all a bunch of crap. Heartbreaks suck. Especially when you're the party willing to explore every possible scenario of reconciliation. Besides not being in Iraq, the other upside is now Greg doens't have to concern himself with sleepless nights of jealousy and doubt, while his ex is off getting high and getting down in Cancun or wherever it is she and her friends end up. If I had a dollar for every girl I met on Spring Break that JUST broke up with her boyfriend. Don't worry she'll be knocked off her high horse soon enough.

Now that he's got some extra time on his hands, maybe he can get to the gym and rock up like Trevor and I do. I think he'll find that it's an excellent outlet for his frustration, and he could successfully use this setback as motivation to get to a better place. Or he can use this time to finally get some pics from his 21st up, already!!!

Or write a song. All the great ones have suffered through heart-wrenching breakups. From Billy Joel to Biz Markie. Here I'll help him get started. "I gave you my heart then you broke up with me, hope you have fun at Spring Break----but also hope you get V.D." The possibilities are really endless from there.

Or maybe he'll do like most single guys do. Surf for porn. (Tip: Just concentrate on the 'more' buttons, and make sure you're at least 18, and in the privacy of your own home.) At least that's what I hear single guys do...