3rd leg
A Way of Life

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Today is an awfully important day in the lives of young men all across the country. The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now available at a newsstand near you.

Although scantily clad women can be found with more frequency in other magazines throughout the year, and by the minute at your xxx.com of choice, there’s something special about SI’s annual offering. Most importantly, it doesn’t carry the same social stigma as say Playboy, Maxim, or Stuff, magazines whose sole purpose is to ‘objectify’ and ‘degrade’ women on a monthly basis. (Um, those girls are paid, right? And are often on their way to bigger and better things, no?… Just checking). An astute 12-year old boy can ask his mom and dad for a subscription to Sports Illustrated without any repercussions, and he can begin marking off the days in his calendar until mid-February’s big payoff. This is a sports publication after all, and for one week a year they happen to feature exotic locations, beautifully made swimwear, and oh yea hot chicks basking in the sun and surf. And if our 12 year old makes it to the mailbox before his parents, no one will ever be the wiser.

The SI Swimsuit Issue over the years is almost entirely responsible for introducing America, more specifically salivating male teens, to timeless beauties like Cheryl Tiegs, Christie Brinkley, Elle Mcpherson, Kathy Ireland, Stephanie Seymour, Tyra Banks, Rebecca Romijn and Heidi Klum.

It has also provided valuable lessons, for instance did you know what the best characteristic of mesh is?… That it looks great wet of course. But as we, speaking for my entire gender now, grow older we have to work a little harder to apply these lessons to real inter-gender relations. I mean sure Kathy Ireland looks hot in 2D, but how long can one really stand that grating, high-pitched voice? And Stephanie Seymour may ignite fires in the loins of some in her wet white t-shirt, but she’s bagged Axl Rose… Are you willing to accept the sloppy seconds of freakin’ Axl?

For some guys, alright many guys, a pretty face, come hither look, and nice bod are the end all be all. They can put up with just about anything if those simple criteria are met. She can swear like Ozzy, smoke like a chimney, and serve more happy customers than Ronald McDonald----and these guys will still come back for more. Even if they have to stand in line.

Not me man. I didn’t just see a different girl on each page, I saw choices. And while I spent many a sleepless night in an endless, agonizing debate between Christie and Cheryl, it eventually paid off. I developed a highly sophisticated, and ridiculously efficient, compare and contrast skill set. This is especially important for guys like me, who don’t really have a specific ideal they’re looking for or are immediately and ultimately impressed by. There’s always a ‘hottest girl in the room’. Seriously, even at IHOP at 5a.m. But there may not always be a 6 foot tall redhaired, green eyed, flexible Asian with long legs, a perky C-cup and a Southern accent. So you’ve got to be ready to quickly size up any room or situation. But not too quick. You don’t buy the first car you test drive, and the hottest person in the room at 9 o’clock, may fall to about out of the top ten by midnight. You can practice this skill on your drive or walk to school or work. Your goal is to pick out the best looking guy or gal before you reach your destination. But, you are only allowed one pick during your trip, and then you have to compare that pick to everyone else you pass before the end of your journey. Sometimes the #1 appears with your game barely under way, other times if you’re extremely patient or risky, you’re rewarded by waiting until the final minutes.

The most successful and celebrated point guards and quarterbacks of our time often possess outstanding vision. It’s a talent that can’t be coached. It’s an ability to see the entire court or floor at a glance, anticipate movements before they occur, and make the correct decision/play. Whether that play is scoring themselves, or putting a teammate in a position to score, it’s all about the decision-making skills and vision that result in successful execution. And yes, while it may be hard to believe, I didn’t start thinking in this way until I got my hands on my first Swimsuit Issue.

But, like I said, it’s not just appearances that are important. It’s what’s inside or something that really counts… Which is why I’ve devised this 24-second survey of 5 simple questions to aid and assist me on any night out. If you don’t already have your own, you’re more than welcome to use mine or make slight modifications as you see fit, thus helping you to quickly cut to the chase and size your target up to ensure they’re worthy of investing a little time and energy in:

How’s your credit history and how much debt do you currently have?
Favorite position(s)?
9.25". Too big, just right, or not sure---but willing to find out?
What luxury item would you bring with you on Survivor?
Spell ‘Krzyzewski’.

But remember this is only step one. All you’ve done is qualify your target. You still have to get him/her/them to see you in the same light, and I’m not sure I’ve got the necessary bandwidth to go on to Steps 2 through 69 in enough detail to do anyone any good. Maybe I’ll have to ask Tony Pierce for his publisher’s number or something.

Which is all to say, that the current installment of SI you’re hearing about, is in fact all that it’s cracked up to be, and so much more. It’s not only a rite of passage, it’s practically a way of life…

It's About That Time...

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

First let's just say, that yes I watched the 2-hour finale of Joe Millionaire. And let's also say, that I'm very anti-Fox right now. I don't like that they've dragged this little charade on as long as they have, and I don't like that it's gonna tie up at least one more weeknight for me vis a vis Joe Millionaire: The Aftermath. What's next? Joe Millionaire: The One Night Stand? Joe Millionaire: The Next Morning? Joe Millionaire: The Breakup? Joe Millionaire: The Makeup Sex?... Good Grief, Charlie Brown. And don't even get me started on where my girl Alex Mcleod was last night!!!

I'm also not down with the must-see American Idol bad auditions going head to head with not only The Bachelorette finale, but also Duke vs. Maryland. Another Wednesday night totally screwed...

What I did like though, was Evan telling Sarah, "Well I didn't pick you, but thanks for the beej," before running for the door. Classic. I also liked Sarah seeking Melissa's approval that a nationally broadcast (yea, yea it was off-screen) beej wasn't nearly as bad as giving a construction worker a poem and a puzzle. Uh, right, Sarah. I also thorougly enjoyed Oui-Oui-Heidi's boyfriend who 'allowed' her to go on the show. Uh huh. The only things you allow my man, are whatever she tells you she's gonna do anyway. Nothing like going on national TV and unsuccessfully claiming to not be whipped. Watching Heidi's stripper moves at the dance club, tells us exactly what you see in her----and it's not the crooked smile. Not the horizontal smile anyway... Um, was that out loud?... Moving on...

While I haven't been being fooled in to watching Fox for hours on end, I've been chillin' in the studio, like Eminem, and watchin' as young Evan Ames gets his flows off, sorta like 50 Cent. But sometimes you gotta reassert yourself, and remind everybody how it once was and how it still is... So once again it's on...

Remember the pacing of an blog-rhyme is crucial, but completely up to you... If you can't speed up and slow down appropriately, then it's gonna seem whack but that's not on me, ya heard? If you think early Beasties you should be just fine... So if you ain't ready, step aside and leave this for the professionals:

What the hell’s an Orby, man I just don’t know?
But their red-haired friend Ali is good to go.
Put her in a toga, and I’d feed her grapes,
Try to figure out if the carpet match the drapes.
Makin’ headway til Neal shows and says, "She’s mine!",
Get outta there faster than the recession of Tony P’s hairline.
I mighta stole her heart cuz sometimes I be thievin’,
Jump in Kool Keith’s ride and cry, "Damage done so we best be leavin’".
He’s my getaway man and he slams his foot to the gas,
Starts yappin’ about his Cal Bears but my mind’s still on Ali’s ---
"Ass--ume the position boys," is the next thing I hear,
We’ve been pulled over and are headed to jail I fear.
But thank God it’s not the cops, it’s just Ranger Matt,
I’m all "My bad brother" and he replies, "It’s a lot more than that."
"Somebody somewhere is gonna teach you a lesson,"
"Then maybe you’ll stop playin, and maybe you’ll stop messin’."
"Can you speed this up Holmes? We’re running kind of late," I say,
"We’re headed to JMU for Grumpy Greg’s 21st birthday."
He finally lets us go and now we’re back on track,
But first we grab Evan Ames and his bottle of Jack.
The Everclear is flowin’ and Greg ‘s already passed out,
Little Bill’s on the turntables makin’ the girlies twist and shout.
Hosemonster is in attendance and he’s doin’ the Roger Rabbit,
The Pope looks my way, licks her lips, and says, "I gotta have it!"
I’m guessin’ what she wants but I ain’t givin’ it up just yet,
I like to read the whole menu before I decide what to get.
Besides I can’t leave my wingmen, that’d be uncool,
Playa-educatin’ Keith, Evan, and Hose like they was in school.
Once they’re all hooked up I decide to fly solo,
See this chick and say hello,
Lay your head on the pillow,
Downtown on her I go,
She tells me I’m the best----but I already know.
After four hours my tongue’s a lil tired so I take a break,
Pass up a can of Beast for a piece of chocolate cake.
Now I’m nourished and ready to pick up the pace,
But this chick’s asleep with a smile on her face.
Billy Joel said always leave a tender moment alone,
So I kiss her on the forehead before I hit my cell phone.
Ring up Tony and he sends the XBI copter my way,
Shave off one of Greg’s brows before I leave and say ‘Happy Birthday!’…