3rd leg
Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Friday, January 17, 2003

It hasn’t escaped me that I’ve yet to include Hosemonster in one of my blog raps or rhymes. It’s not because I don’t have respect for HM, or don’t thoroughly enjoy his work. Sure I have doubts about a heterosexual male who is unsure if he could seal the deal with Heidi Klum, but everyone gets at least one free pass with me---and we’ll call that his.

The problem is there’s just not a lot of good words that rhyme with Hosemonster. Maybe ‘her’ or ‘were’ or ‘stir’, but it just seems disjointed and contrived. I could break it up like ‘Last name Monster, first name Hose…’. And there’s any number of words that I could capably and appropriately rhyme with ‘hose’. But Hosemonster isn’t two words, it’s one---like Cher, Prince, or Madonna. I could kick it non-fiction style and say something about ‘Chris Ward’, but that might confuse some people, making them think I’m talking about The Ward. And well, we just can’t have that. So instead, I apologize for having previously omitted Hosemonster from my rhymes, and hope he’ll understand.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t click over and read his stuff early and often…

With that taken care of I’d like to let you in on ‘The Next Big Thing’. You’ve heard of Celebrity Boxing, right? Two attention-seeking fading from the limelight B-listers, either attempting to cash in on one last payday, revitalize their career or settle a legitimate beef with one of their peers. Guys like Screech laying the smackdown to Horseshack. Tonya Harding proving she’s tougher white trash than Paula Jones. You get my drift? Well, since I’ve opted to steer clear from any future war of words with my fellow bloggers, that doesn’t mean I can’t serve as the mediating third party, or more specifically the Michael Buffer in the very first edition of ‘Blog-Boxing’, a 3rd Leg exclusive.

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls have we got a fight card sure to entertain even the most conservative fans of the sweet science. In the white corner, fighting out of New Jersey and guilty of a little playa hating and hitcount jealousy, he’s a barely legal 21 years of age and tipping just over 220 lbs. at yesterday’s weigh-in, it’s the Big Crusty himself---Ryan!

And in the red corner, the elder statesman of the blogosphere, the only 109 year old I know of who doesn’t require Depends, a man fighting to end hypocrisy, demanding respect for himself, his busblog, and all the women of the world that don’t see anything wrong with showing a little skin…O.K. a lot of skin. The Blogfather himself, straight out of Cali by way of Hell, Fierce Tony Pierce!

Gentleman I want you both to keep your hands up, avoid the low blows, now touch gloves and let’s have a good, clean fight.

Blog-Boxing is brought to you by the good people of Miller-Lite, which means you’ll be seeing plenty of Catfight commercials, try not to get your panties in a bunch. And Old Navy----because Morgan Fairchild needs to cash a few more checks before gravity takes its final toll. And make sure to tune in next week for our feature bout pitting Grumpy Greg vs. Raymi the Minx.

And I don't know what's up with my comments---or lack thereof. E-mail me with suggestions, or similar whines about HaloScan or Blogger...Or both...


Thursday, January 16, 2003

10 things I did during my ‘break’:

- Learned that the White Stripes really aren’t brother and sister. I can't believe you guys left me in the dark!
- Abandoned More and Less two weeks ago after dropping 4 lbs. between Thanksgiving and New Year's and have now consumed enough Starbucks, Mountain Dew and Red Bull to kill a small herd of cattle.
- Had such a hard night of partying that I don’t even remember paying for a 30 mile cab ride or giving directions home before falling asleep with one of my contacts in. The other contact apparently didn’t make it off the dance floor.
- Rooted for a Love Connection between Dan the Goose and Sarah the Tree---cuz if these two kids can’t make it in this crazy world is there really hope for any of the rest of us?
- Screwed up my regular sleep schedule by staying up and watching Pac-10 basketball and waking up after 9a.m., leaving me in a semi-coma state as I try to return to normalcy.
- Tried ‘bierocks’(sp?) for the first time… Sorta like a Runza but much more tasty. Mmmmm, good.
- Saw Catch Me If You Can (tolerated Leo), About Schmidt (Jack ruled) and The 25th Hour (Spike ruined it).
- Found Replay TV under my X-Mas tree (sorta like Tivo but much smarter).
- Used Replay TV to slow-mo every Britney Spears and X-Tina Aguilera video in MTV’s end of the year countdown. Not because I’m a perv---but because I just wanted to test out all the cool features. Um, yeah.
- Caught the premieres and following episodes of The Surreal Life (is that really Webster's laugh, and is Corey Feldman really that whipped?), Real World-Road Rules Battle of The Sexes (I'm going with Colin and still find Puck rather amusing after all these years), The Osbournes (Put your shirt back on Jack, for the love of God! You'll scare Mandy Moore right out of your bedroom!), Joe Millionaire (Zora or Mojo---you heard it here first) and The Bachelorette

Speaking of which---why are girls so stupid? O.K., I take that back. Why is Trista so stupid? Even though Charlie’s probably got this thing in the bag---why in the hell would she give a rose to Russ? You know the guy using this opportunity to audition for the role of the controlling, abusive, jerkwad in nearly every Lifetime Movie of the Week. She would have been much better served to pick either the brotha who couldn’t handle his alcohol, the aspiring mechanic/Abercrombie & Fitch model/’professional’ football player, or the guy that said ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home’ before the rose presentation ceremony even got started. Rob---the Brad Pitt wanna be scruffball was another poor choice.

You know she’s too superficial to make what is the obvious correct choice---Bob. You can tell that Bob is the fat kid you went to school with who became the self-deprecating class clown but then slimmed down when he got a little older to add average looks to his repertoire. Like Jules Winfield says, "Personality goes a long way."

But no, Trista will either pick Charlie, maybe Jamie, and be stuck with a face guy that’ll always think the grass is greener because the grass is always greener for guys like Charlie and Jamie. And believe me the grass will be getting a lot greener, especially when Trista’s fake rack starts to sag immediately after this season’s finale. I’m sure having three kids isn’t going to have any negative physical effects either. And Charlie, or Jamie, will just consider that more cushion for the pushin’ or whatever it is guys like that tell themselves to make a night of hoggin’ acceptable.

Ahhhhh, it’s been too long, hasn’t it? Still blowing a little dust out of this keyboard, but before you know it I’ll be telling you how I really feel once again…

Guess Who's Back? Back Again...

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Aerosmith (1976)
Back in the Saddle Again

I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again

Ridin' into town alone
By the light of the moon
I'm looking for ole' Sukie Jones
She crazy horse saloon
Barkeep gimme a drink
That's when she caught my eye
She turned to give me a wink
That'd make a grown man cry

I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back

Umm...come easy, go easy
Alright 'til the rising sun
I'm calling all the shots tonight
I'm like a loaded gun
Peelin' off my boots and chaps
I'm saddle sore
Four bits gets you time in the racks
I scream for more

Fools' gold out of their mines
The girls are soaking wet
No tongue's drier than mine
I'll come when I get back

I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
I'm riding, I'm loading up my pistol
I'm riding, I really got a fistful
I'm riding, I'm shining up my saddle
I'm riding, this snake is gonna rattle

I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
I'm back

Ridin' high
Ridin' high
Ridin' high already

Alright so maybe I really have no idea who Sukie Jones is. What I do know is I've had a very long break, and had a lot of time to think about what's really appropriate content for this site. I'm pledging to get less caught up with blog-watching and commenting about what others are saying and just kickin' it old school and keepin' it real. Or something like that. So that's all to say you can feel free to come back more often than you've needed to in the last month. My bad----and I'll try real hard to keep it from happening again. Thanks to all those that e-mailed me, and to the tens of dozens of girls that sent me topless photos of themselves begging and pleading for my return. I guess I'll always be a sucker for nipples and weepy eyes...

More later----seriously.