12/20/2002 09:35:00 PM
'Twas the night before Christmas, Kool Keith was sipping gin and juice,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Goose.
The college bloggers were silent at their parents’ home without care,
Hitting refresh at 3rd Leg, hoping a new post would soon be there.
Then what to their drunken, bleary eyes should appear,
A picture of a gerbil stuck in Richard Gere!
Is that your parents at the door? Hit the back button quick!
But it wasn’t your parents it’s just me with my big (a little help here, what rhymes with quick?) At first you were mad, "How do you know where I live, and how do you know my last name?"
I said, “My bad, it was an accident. I got lost, I was on my way to see Evan Ames.”
“We’re having a West-Coast Blorgy, I thought everyone knew,
Tony and Moxie will be there, and I invited McNally too.”
Then I left in an instant, without warning and without sound,
The only proof of my visit a pair of XXXL red and green-striped bikini briefs lying on the ground.
But who’d believe that? I can’t wear drawers, it just wouldn’t work,
I need less restriction and quick access, does Greg still think I’m a jerk?
Dan’s headed to meet Sarah, do you think he’ll propose?,
Maybe he’ll be like Aaron the Bachelor, and just give her a rose.
Anyway, I’m getting in my tricked out sleigh, but before my 14-inch rims take me out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all you mother f-kers, and to all you mother f-kers a good night!"
12/19/2002 07:14:00 AM
Hosemonster recently complained about being a Jack of All Trades, and Master of None. I can relate. Sorta. Not in that I’m not "the best" at anything, but rather there are any number of jobs or activities I’ve yet to try that I know I would realize immediate success and gain instant adoration and praise from both my peers and my new fans.
For instance, I have no doubt that I would make a great pornstar, and not for the obvious reasons. It’s because I am attentive to detail and would come (pun intended) to the set every day with my lines memorized and stay completely in character for the entire day. I wouldn’t just be the "well hung pizza delivery guy" the script called for. I’d research my role by riding around with pizza delivery guys for a few weeks and really try to learn and understand what makes them tick. I’d incorporate their job-specific lingo of hard-to-understand-terms-unless-you’re-in-the-biz like "complimentary breadsticks" and "30 minutes or less" and leave the viewer at home with his pants around his ankles and box of tissues within arm’s length saying, "Damn! It’s like that dude really is a pizza delivery guy! This guy’s good, he’s real good…" I would be the consummate professional opting to get a good night’s sleep rather than getting all coked up and engaging in all night orgies with the rest of my co-stars. Even if my only line was, "Did somebody here order an X-Large All Meat?" I’m sure I’d be well on my way to accepting a Best NewComer Award at the Adult Video Awards in Vegas.
I’m also pretty sure I could win a gold medal for Curling in the next Winter Olympics. I don’t really know the rules or object of the ‘sport’, but I do know it involves a broom and some ice, and really how hard could it possibly be? I don’t even think I’d have to stay at a Holiday Inn Express…
But like I always say, "Let’s get back to the porn for a moment." Maybe you’re unaware of the phenomena of the majority of new adult film releases being titled after and loosely based off of mainstream major motion pictures. With that theme in mind, I offer to you a sneak preview of some upcoming films closing out 2002 and kicking off 2003, with a beat-em-to-the-punch take on their next less widely circulated release. Enjoy!
Maid in Manhattan (or: Laid In Manhattan): Sure a rich white guy may be interested in shagging a hot, latino maid rotten (for a night or two), but in real life this is hardly a plausible storyline. Unless said rich white guy, is an over-rated actor of marginal talent, and the maid is actually a fly girl from the block. Then it’d totally work, if only for 5-6 months.
Gangs of New York (or: Gangbangs of New York): Leonardo Dicaprio plays a poor immigrant who ends up seducing a hot white chick. So, it’s basically Titanic without the ship, right? And when for the love of God will Daniel Day Lewis stop making movies, already? We don’t like you!!! At least I don’t, and I also don’t like any director that attempts to make Cameron Diaz any less glamorous than she is in real life. Damn you Scorcese!
The Two Towers (or the Two Growers): While I’ve read the trilogy twice, I’m not huge in to science fiction/fantasy style movies. But I’ve listened to all the rave reviews and will most likely relent at some point during the holiday season and watch them both. I’m also thwarted a bit by my dislike of Elijah Wood and only a so-so feeling towards Liv Tyler…
A Guy Thing (A Bi Thing): I’ll actually go out on a limb and recommend this semi chick-flick. Jason Lee (Mallrats, Chasing Amy) is the fiancee who unknowingly just slept with the cousin (Julia Stiles) of his soon to be bride (Selma Blair) at his bachelor party. Let’s see… Could it possibly be that Lee will end up deciding that Stiles is really the girl for him??? Nah. Just as likely as that cooky, heart-string-pulling plot twist is the likelihood that your lady will use this movie as ammo and justification as to why you should not be expecting a bachelor party of your own. Don’t cave on this one guys, hold strong or regret it forever. And ladies, let this one go---your resistance will only lead his friends to open up the floodgates for even more debauchery and they’ll start loathing you more than they already do.
About Schmidt (About Shunt): All you need to know is that Jack Nicholson is already being touted as the front runner for the Best Actor Oscar and this movie is still weeks away from U.S. release. In other words, go see it.
Catch Me If You Can (Blow Me If You Can): As if one Leo movie isn’t enough in this one he plays a young con artist who successfully passes millions of dollars in bad checks posing as a lawyer, a doctor, a pilot, and an actor. So, I made that last one up. It’s Spielberg-directed, and with Tom Hanks on board too I’m sure it’s a winner----but I’ve not liked Leo since he ruined the Seavers X-mas on Growing Pains, and I like him even less each time I see a picture of him cavorting around at the Playboy Mansion.
Finally, there seems to be an disturbingly high number of visitors who’ve come to this site looking for Kaley Cuoco of 8 Simple Rules ‘fame’ in various forms of undress. She’s just a month over 17 you freakin’ pervs!!! Do you really think such a wholesome, innocent young thing has had any need thus far in her young professional career to resort to taking off her clothes for fame and fortune??? Of course not. But you’re right----she is smokin’…
What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding
3L! I need your F-cking help, like right F-cking now!
Oh, hi Brittany Murphy!
You know who I am Mother F-cker!
Yes I do, and let me just say before we even get started that it’s always a pleasure Miss Cobain, err Love.
Real funny asshole, anyway I need your f-cking help!
Honey, I have no idea what you’ve done with your underwear. In fact, I’d have guessed you had stopped wearing any years ago.
That’s not the problem. The problem is f-cking Tony Pierce has been running f-cking Kurt on his web site for the last four f-cking days! He's even on his f-cking banner!!!
So, it’s enough already! I’m f-cking sick of it, and I’m not too busy to sue his ass right f-cking now!
Courtney, you’ve spent almost as much time in courtrooms as you have passed out on my bathroom floor with vomit drying in your hair. Besides, can’t you appreciate how creative Tony is----even in death. Just like Kurt… Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think? And really enough about Kurt, let’s talk about you.
What about me?
Well for starters, how many fingers am I holding up right now?
One----again with the jokes funny man. Here’s a joke for you. You got 66 hits yesterday. Whoop-dee-freakin-doo.
You’re right Courtney, maybe if I put some topless pics of you up that’d create a buzz. I mean now that you’ve learned how to properly apply lipstick you’re actually pretty hot. Would you mind a quick flash for the camera.
Sure, what the hell?
Here’s another idea. The Madpony girls are posting embarrassing pics of themselves all week, got any of those.
Only like ever picture of me ever taken prior to April 5, 1994.
Well, you’ve gotta have a favorite. How about a pre-Kurt pic?
Here----this is with one of my friends when I was like 16.
Damn, Courtney----you were a freaky punk rock dog, huh? Talk about your awkward years…
Quit it----I’m the one on the left.
Yeah, I know.
You’re stepping on my Versace gown asshole! I am so outta here…Later loser!
See ya round Courtney…
Parents Just Don't Understand
Monday, December 16, 2002
12/16/2002 08:52:00 AM
Somewhere between the ages of 14 and 17 my dad expressed his disapproval of my actions with an alarmingly high frequency. Nevermind that I was an honor roll student, captain of the debate team, wasn’t drinking, wasn’t having sex, and ran with a group of like-minded responsible kids who were all successful at avoiding trouble and harm’s way.
He’d get pissed when I got my hair cut too short (i.e. super high and super tight), or when I’d button my top button (i.e. Parker Lewis) or when I’d get a speeding ticket or get my left ear pierced…
Keep in mind that when asked of his whereabouts when learning of JFK’s assassination he can tell he you that he was in a pool hall ditching school. He was drinking and smoking at 16 and didn’t have the grades to go to college even had he wanted to continue his education.
The summer between my high school graduation and first semester of college was the last time I stayed more than two nights in a row under his roof. While I’ve been independent of my parents since the age of 18, I’m sure my perspective is much different than those who have or continue to rely on their parents for financial support or a place to live (or sometimes both). Some 10 years later I have an excellent relationship with both of my parents, one which I’m sure would have been strained had I allowed myself to continue to be under his thumb and watchful, disapproving eye. He’s since relented and admitted to being over-bearing at times without any justification for his actions.
I can only assume that kind of behavior is typical of most parental units, and I’m sure the father of one extremely talented, seemingly well-mannered, thoughtful, compassionate and considerate Miss Crabtree might eventually have a similar epiphany. Maybe I’d be willing to cut him a little slack if Sarah was posting topless pictures of herself like Raymi, or bragging about drug use, casual sex, and lack of devotion to her studies, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Posting a blog entry after a little underage consumption of alcohol does not present your daughter in a "negative light". Nor does the admission of anything less than a 100% record of attendance in light of her still pulling B’s and A’s. That’s college old man, and it’s also the concept of opportunity cost. I can skip Econ this morning and get an additional hour of sleep, or I can fatigue myself to the point of exhaustion that only a couple of days bedrest will resolve. I can spend thirty minutes posting a blog entry to clear my mind and get some things off my chest, or I can carry it around with me and let it distract me from more productive activities.
And Dad…when you’re spending your time judging the appropriateness of her friends (i.e. links) through the content of their blogs it’s probably time to admit it’s you that has the problem or else you just have waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too much time on your hands.
Had I posted my initial thoughts when I visited morethanthat on Saturday morning only to see an almost completely blank page (it’s back up now), my open letter to Mr. Crabtree would have contained enough vengeance and furious anger to do more harm than good. It would have made my little spat with Greg look no more combative than a thumb wrestling match by comparison. Besides I recognize it’s not really my place to defend a girl I’ve never met in a matter that can only be negotiated between the immediate parties involved. Feeling that Sarah is a bright and diplomatic individual I have no doubt that a year from now almost everyone can look back on this little chapter in their lives and have a chuckle.
It is ironic though that Mr. Crabtree at some point during his young life probably thought his parents were idiots for getting riled up at Elvis’ gyrating hips, or burning copies of Slaughterhouse Five. And he was right. He is after all from the generation who’s motto was "Don’t trust anyone over 30".
Anyway here’s hoping that the Christmas break at el casa de Crabtree is void of any drama, unfair ultimatums, or continued irrationality and paranoia. They’ve no doubt done everything in their power to raise a child the best they knew how and now it’s time to step back and see how the little bird survives outside the nest. There’s more people than they could ever imagine who receive great enjoyment out of their daughter’s writings and don’t think she’s portraying herself in any other light than that of a typical American college student.
The lesson to the rest of you who have gotten yourselves in similar situations with your blogs, (i.e. Dan the Goose and Bat Boy, and I presume a host of others who someday will if they haven’t already) eventually your parents will see the error of their ways and come around. But if you can help it there’s really no sense in letting them in on something that they’re too simple minded and old school to ever completely wrap their minds around. And no matter what, you’re not writing for them anyway, just as you’re not writing for a specific reader or target group, you’ve gotta write for yourself. And if you have to stop and think about how a specific someone, regardless of blood ties, is going to react than you’re doing yourself and your readers a huge disservice.