3rd leg
Now I Know

Friday, November 22, 2002

After reading the following two e-mails from my inbox, I'm feeling so much more well-informed and less sympathetic to those less fortunate than myself:

1. Do you WANT a LARGER penis? Do you WANT to give your partner MORE pleasure? Do you WANT to stay ROCK HARD, LONGER? Do you WANT to STOP PREMATURE EJACULATIONS? Do you WANT to finally have a BETTER SELF-IMAGE as a MAN? Do you WANT to finally ENJOY LIFE? As seen on CNN, GLobal, NBC, Life Network, TLC, Discovery. Find out what everyone is raving about. Click here to get started NOW

2. As seen on CNN, GLobal, NBC, Life Network, TL C, Discovery. Find out what everyone is raving about. NOW YOU CAN INCREASE BUST SIZE BY 2 FULL CUPS ENHANCE BREAST SIZE NATURALLY …GUARANTEED Our exclusive breast augmentation formula helps you permanently achieve the breast size you've always wanted! Throw away those surgical brochures and give yourself bigger and firmer breasts that are 100% Natural! Regardless of your age, size or physical condition you will see amazing results! GUARAN TEED! Noticeable results in just weeks! No adverse side effects - And NO WEIGHT GAIN! All Natural - Non Surgical Breast Augmentation CLick here to get started NOW

See and all this time I thought that the unlucky needle-dicked men of the world, and all the women from the high plains and flatlands were actually enjoying their lives just fine and without any hope for an all natural cure... I had no idea that they were obviously all unhappy little creatures with little reason to get up out of bed in the mornings, but not anymore----because a big rack and a 3rd leg are but a click away...

But seriously, a word of advice for the fellas. Having a large, rock hard, long-lasting penis isn't all it's cracked up to be. As a guy who's measuring in a ridge over 9" (no, seriously Meesh...and circumcised if you must know) in length and no idea about the width/girth, I can tell you that the ladies in your life and your lower back will be just as happy if you'd spend your time learning to tie a cherry stem in to a knot. No, not with your fingers idiots!

Now as a guy with a 9 in his boxers, and the tongue-tying ability mentioned above, I can still get a good night's sleep knowing that I deleted both those e-mails without a second thought.

GMA Update

Thursday, November 21, 2002

All is not well in Springfield. An intrepid, jobless reader sent in this breaking Bachelor update from Good Morning America:

Helene is not moving to Springfield at this time! They are going to try a long distance relationship for now. They said it has been very hard on their relationship to be apart for the past two months but they are doing very well and want to see how things go long distance. Helene is wearing the engagement ring though.

Brooke was very nice but visibly upset and she said she felt like she got broken up with all over again last night. She had nothing but good things to say about Helene and Aaron and said she is still in love with Aaron. They asked her if she would like to see Aaron and Helene and she said she did to congratulate them in person. She went up and they all hugged. The End.

Translation: It's not going to last. Unless Helene was saying that she wanted to finish the school year in Jersey before relocating to Springfield, then it's over. Besides, Aaron is no doubt enjoying and realizing the effect fame can have on your love life, especially when you've been so positively portrayed. Why settle for a Jersey girl, when you can kick it in Aspen with a babe like Meesh. Just when I start to like the guy, another reason to hate him slaps me in the face. I'm assuming it's only a matter of time before Meesh heads a little further east, this time to Missouri, and becomes the sexiest woman to run a bar/restaurant (Trolley's) since Michelle Pfeiffer in Tequila Sunrise. And upon meeting Aaron's dad, he'd say, "Meesh? What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl!". And then Grandma Buerge would order a very dark beer, and Aaron would order a glass of white wine, forgetting that only chicks and fish-eaters drink white wine, and Meesh would snap her fingers and it would be so.

One last note, and I swear (fingers crossed) it's the last time I'll talk about Aaron Buerge---did anyone else notice that during their final one on one date at the villa, that somehow during the evening Helene's clothes had changed and her hair had been pulled back? Does that mean she might have got a little dirrty but ABC chose to edit it out? She would have been better off had they left it in, and edited out her horrifying laugh track that they rolled during the credits.

Belated birthday wishes to a couple of hot older chicks who aren't Aaron's beer swilling grandma... Yesterday Bo Derek turned 46, and Sean Young turned 43----and may I direct them both to the e-mail link to the left which is doubling today as the on line application to become my Sugar Mama....

Chasing Cathy

Yesterday one of my 27 year old co-workers got off the phone and said, "Woo-hoo! I don't have cancer!" and then she took the rest of the day off. So you won't hear me complaining any more about my ankle, traffic, or my lame clients---well not for a while anyway.

I thought I'd write a lengthy post today inspired solely by the season finale of The Bachelor. You'll still have your long read, but we'll examine the bigger picture of love, rather than just ABC's interpretation. Besides, except for my momentary hiccup of self-doubt yesterday, I knew from the moment Aaron talked Helene out of walking off the show five weeks ago that she would be his pick. Now before any of you single ladies rush out to buy money clips, or start practicing the annoying habit of talking during a kiss, keep in mind Helene's real winning strategy. She was the only one who didn't fawn all over Aaron initially, and made him feel like he was competing for her, rather than vice versa. And when it comes right down to it---guys will always be up for the chase even if it means chasing the wrong girl, or chasing the girl with the smaller breasts, more annoying voice, and grating laugh. Props to Aaron though for actually buying the engagement ring with his own money, and going through with a proposal on national T.V. If nothing else, we learned how much of a real switch-hitting jackass last season's bachelor, Alex, was.

And because this blog is not designed to be all things Aaron, we'll continue with the chase theme as it relates to more important people----like me---and alright you a little bit. Me in the sense that I'm the romantic lead of this story, and you in the sense that you'll get some free insight in to the mind of a hopelessly romantic male that you can otherwise only get on quality television shows like Ed.

I had given up on Ed for awhile because it got a little too hokey for me at the end of last season, but the fact that the show continues to employ a dude who got busted for smoking crack with a homeless person (Mike), and a guy from MTV's The State and the dude from the House Party movies who was paralyzed from the chest down in a motorcycle accident, I'm now back on board.

In case you've never seen it, Ed was a New York attorney who caught his wife sleeping with the mailman and had a mini nervous breakdown. So he did what any jilted lover would do, he moved back to his hometown of Stuckeyville, bought the town's bowling alley, and started pursuing the girl he had a crush on all throughout high school. He's dressed in a knight suit, he's thrown waffles at her window, and he even rented an all white tuxedo with tails and a top hat, and jumped on a horse named Crazy Jimmy to break up her wedding last week in an effort to win her heart. And while she (Carol) secretly likes the attention, she's also not truly deserving of it---a fact which Ed finally succumbed to last night.

I can sympathize. Believe me, I can sympathize. See, up until 7 years ago when this chick cast a spell on me which I've yet to find a way to break, I was constantly on the chase. I never dated the same girl more than twice, and I was constantly in pursuit of a girl, any girl, I had little or no chance with. On only one occasion did I go after a girl involved in a relationship, the rest of the time it was just the wrong girl----who I must have had some sense would never ever go out with a guy like me. And only now do I realize that it wasn't because those girls didn't like me, or I wasn't there type, it was because they---like Carol---weren't worthy.

The worst of these girls was Cathy. Cathy and I were in the bright kids classes with each other from 4th grade through high school. But her appearance didn't catch up with her book smarts til she reached 8th grade---and puberty I suppose. Then in addition to being a brain, she was good looking enough to be on the cheerleading squad. She used to kick my butt in math and science while I dominated her in the more practical/useful classes of english, debate and theatre. So it was right after the start of my freshman year that I started pursuing her, and hard. On a couple of occasions she would indulge me like by agreeing to be my subject for a photography assignment and finally agreeing to go out with me near the end of my junior year. But she cancelled that date a couple of hours before I was to pick her up. So in four years time I had two days of any real sense of accomplishment.

I bought her greeting cards filled front to back with persuasive, tirelessly crafted reasons that she should consider being my girl, sang a capella to her during late night bus trips back to school after debate tournaments, and bought her flowers, and candy, and teddy bears and all kinds of other crap that is actually too painful to determine their current whereabouts. Sure there were a couple of distractions along the way, but they weren't Cathy. So while I was chasing----Chasing Cathy, I was oblivious to the other girls in my postal district that were more deserving of my attention, and that in retrospect I've learned would have been more than happy to reciprocate. I've found out through friends of friends that there was a plethora (Jefe, what is a plethora?) of high profile girlfriend material that I could have had a lot of fun with, and gained some valuable relationship experience with but whom I never even knew existed or at least paid any mind to.

At the beginning of our senior year she quit the debate team, basically because I was named captain instead of her, and unwilling to share the spotlight or be a team player, she focused all of her extracurricular activity in choir and orchestra. And very early in the year she was audacious enough to admit that her life would be better if she never, ever had to speak to me again. By this time, I knew that even if she was 'the one', that she was unwilling to even explore the possibility of a relationship, and I granted her request.

I wrote for the school paper, she was on the yearbook staff, she read the all-school morning announcements over the p.a., and I had the afternoons. It was as though the entire school did it's best to make sure our paths never crossed again. I read last summer that she'd finally gotten married at 28, to one of her co-workers.

And who wouldn't want to tell their kids that story, well honey your daddy and I used to work together every day, side by side, and since I was almost 30 I said what the hell, looks, personality, captivating eyes and a great butt aren't everything! Yea, that's a much better story than your dad had a crush on me for four years of high school, and then after graduating from college I looked him up and apologized profusely for what an ass I'd been, and he was kind and gracious enough to give me an opportunity---which comes once in a lifetime yo!

Whatever. While she caused me to miss out on homecomings, proms, third dates, and fun in the backseat of my car, she no longer invades my sleep, or causes me tears. I'm sooooooooooo over it. But, I can't help but feel a little short changed that we didn't have a 10 year class reunion, because I was prepared to invade her sleep for awhile, with dreams of "Cathy, how did you let that one get away! You stupid, shallow, stupid, flat-chested, stupid, scared little girl!".

Deep down I know that had we gone on that date, I might have noticed something about her for the first time that I'd have realized I just couldn't live with. Like Brooke's non-symmetrical cheeks, or Helene's incessant talking. I never had that opportunity to closely examine all her imperfections, so what I'm left with years and tears later, is that she wasn't 'the one', she couldn't have been 'the one', and even if she was supposed to be 'the one' for me, I'm much, much better off having found someone that knew right away that I was the one for her.

One last note for those of you who are coming by only for the pics, Blogger's not allowing me to upload pic files for some reason. Hopefully I'll have that problem solved by the weekend...

Pros and Cons

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

I wish I could have posted earlier, but I spent an entire day in one of my lame client's offices so I was unable to count the minutes til a huge T.V. night featuring West Wing, The Bachelor (finale), and Victoria's Secret Special. I did get a free lunch, which is cool if you're down with the pre-ordered party platter from Subway. What's not cool is they didn't send along any jalapenos, olives, banana peppers, or vinegar and oil----so I'd have been just as impressed with PB & J.

More importantly, Real World's Trishelle and Steven obviously hadn't had a chance to read Tony Pierce's germaphobic diatribe on safe sex. But they haven't and since they started having sex the first week they met---and since they've continued to have sex----and since they haven't been using condoms----not only are they both ill-informed and extremely dumb, but they might have a child on the way. And to think that Trishelle would have the balls to call some other Vegas chicks a 'skank'... Puh-leaze! We'll have to wait til next week to learn it's just a false alarm, and that they won't have learned their lesson. Ah well.

And I could have told you the dudes in Clearwater, Florida had no game before watching this week's FM Nation. How else could a city boy like me gone down there, got in to the clubs with an old school fake i.d., and picked up as a high school senior? But, remind me to tell you about how this particular episode reminded me of the time I got a little tipsy and felt compelled to expose myself in public. Just like that Travis dude. Except I didn't try to steal some chick that my boy, my roommate, and the dude I called "my brother" liked---like he did. On his birthday. What a punk.

The Mad Pony girls have some pics up in the gallery----finally. And you can scroll for comments down below----but I really, had no idea that the cutie was only 15. Younger than the Olson Twins!!! I know, my bad...

Finally, I wish I could astutely break down and correctly predict the outcome of Aaron's most important decision that he'll ever make in his entire life during the most dramatic rose ceremony in television history. Dialing down the significance to a more reasonable level, I'll say that both Helene and Brooke have equal strengths and weaknesses. Brooke dotes on Aaron more than Helene, but she's also much younger, and at 22 may not be of a mature marrying age, just like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. But she's got the better body, assuming you're in to the whole curves thing, and she's got those blue eyes workin' for her----but she's also more likely to pack on the pounds when she gets a little older. And oh yea, her daddy's in jail and we still don't know what for. But she's still proud of him anyway.

And Helene, well she thinks she's smarter than she really is which will always be a problem during marital differences. And if he chooses her, he'd better get used to not getting his way real quick. And Helene has a bit of an annoying laugh, and a disturbing looking nose. But, supposedly ABC had to shut down an online betting site after a large number of Springfield residents started betting the maximum $300 allowable amount on Helene. Did they know something before the rest of the country or was it all a p.r. stunt?

Because I'm a masochist (not really) I'd choose Helene (because I don't need that many curves, and because that Southern charm can go from cute and charming to grating real fast y'all), but I'm thinking that Aaron picks Brooke. And they'll be divorced within 4 years time---assuming they actually walk down the aisle, which I wouldn't bet $3 on, let alone $300....

Who Needs Sleep?

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Me sooooooooooo sleepy. Got up at 4:30a.m., stayed up for 20 minutes and counted 101 meteors... And yes I'm well aware that you can't really make a wish on a meteor. Still pretty impressive if you're in to that sort of thing. What's even more impressive is that I made in to work on time after a total of 5 hours sleep.

What's not impressive is staying up to watch all of Monday Night Football hoping your fantasy player (Marty Booker) scores without getting as much as a sniff of the goal-line. Though it was kind of funny to hear John Madden admit to being a life-long "cankle-watcher". But then again he was talking about dudes, so that actually makes me feel a little dirty when I really stop and think about it. Which is precisely why I'm firmly against stopping and thinking. I prefer to do my thinking in motion. Actually most everything is better in motion.

For example Madonna. When she's in motion say pouring a saucer of milk over her shoulder, getting her groove on in a cool room while wearing a wife-beater, dancing in front of burning crosses or fencing---it's much better than when she's just sitting around with Kurt Loder talking with a fake ass British accent, or even worse with a fake gold tooth. I'll bet she's not in motion when she's sitting around thinking about making another movie either. Silly Madonna----just when you thought she couldn't get any dirtier, she busts out the blood to no doubt show Christina Aguilera that anything you can do---I can do better. However I doubt we'll be seeing her resort to the panties/chaps look anytime soon... She is a mother of two after all.

A New Wish

Monday, November 18, 2002

Since I've never actually met a genie, I still have time to rethink my 3 wishes, which is exactly what I've done bumping Reverse Cowgirl for Raymi. Sure, RCG talks a good game, but I have absolutely no doubt that Raymi is anything but 'all talk'. In fact give her a click, and you'll see exacty what I'm talking about---it's all right there in black and white. Black and whites that I think would make an excellent X-mas present for some art/nipple lovin' lucky fella-----or chick I suppose.

I've also gotta show a little unsolicited love to the Mad Pony chicks. Nevermind that they've got a couple of "galleries" that are supposedly "coming soon", I've got a feeling they'll get things in order soon enough. Then again they could just be a couple of teases----they certainly wouldn't be the first (or last) sorority girls accused of that. I can deal with a little teasin' though, so they haven't lost me yet. I'm normally the kinda guy that likes to keep my options open---but just between us I think Kristin's my favorite (on the left). And not just because she looks like the kinda girl that'd hold on tight and finish a ride in style (maybe even bareback?). Let's just hope they don't disappoint me by going silent over their Christmas break. I may even have take a road trip to Oklahoma City in March (for the NCAA tournament) to get a closer look. Hopefully they'd be gracious enough to buy my first Red Bull/Citron in Bricktown.

Actually I got hooked on a new favorite drink this weekend. One without alcohol even! It's Starbucks' Zebra Hot Chocolate, made with equal parts cocoa and White Chocolate Mocha. It's freakin' liquid crack! I've had four in two days time, and will probably have to get a second job to support my new habit. And I thought I had a problem with my 3 times a week White Mocha with Raspberry addiction.

Expect a late post tomorrow, I'm committed to stayin up for the 4:30a.m. (central time) Leonid meteor storm. We're talkin' 1000 per hour, a volume not to be replicated for another 95 years!!! Hopefully I don't puss out. My mother would be disappointed in me. She's a meterologist wannabe that used to wake me up as a kid when there'd be some cool shit goin' down. She's even driven a couple of hours late at night for a supposed better star-watching vantage point. I won't be doing any driving, but I do have my sweatpants, and stocking cap laid out to make it easy on myself. I'll wipe the sleep from my eyes, lie down on one of my deck's loungers and hope I don't fall back asleep and wake up with pneumonia.

I may even make a wish or 3...