3rd leg
See Ya Real Soon

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Everything I learned about web marketing I learned from Huggie Bear (and alright, iluminent)... Which means give 'em the first week for free, and then let 'em sweat it out a little and leave 'em feenin' and jonesin' for another quick fix...

That philosophy and the fact that I'm off to Disney World for six days means you'll have to wait til November before the 3rd leg really starts kickin'...

Thanks for the support and interest in our virgin week, and I promise to have all kinds of great stories after having breakfast with Goofy, hangin' with Mickey at his not-so-scary-halloween-party, and of course kickin' it old school at Pleasure Island....Daffy may have her hands full if they serve Red Bull...

So, until then...
Now it's time to say goodbye,
To all our company,
M-I-C, See you real soon!
K-E-Y, Why? Because we like you!
M - O - U - S - E


Friday, October 25, 2002

Greetings from Robb!

Wuzz up Broseph? Just wanted to let all the playa-hatas out there know whatever, dude. They just hate me, cuz they ain’t me, dude. Tore up my hands, got stung by a sting ray, single-handedly won my team a kick-azz Thai luau dominatin’ some old school 500 and what kinda thanks do I get? They gonna vote my azz out!?! Whatever, dude. Robb with 2B’s, yea I know I just dropped the 3rd person reference, but that’s how I do it now, bro. If they was smart they woulda kept ol’ R.O. double B around one more week til the merger, and gave that little weirdo Shi-Ann the boot. She almost made me boot eatin’ chicken livers, gizzards, and everything else but the bone. Damn, I’m hungry too but you don’t see me eatin’ banana peels and sheet. That girl’s whack, bro! At least Ken and I got to squash the beef before I left, so it's all good.

Did you peep the Robbster’s girl on FM-Nation: Scotsdale while I was kickin’ it in T-Land? I love her man, that little freak getting’ all nakey-nake in the Whataburga drive through---gettin dudes to kiss each other and sheet, I ain’t mad at ya baby! Mad love for my boo---but you better show me a little more than you did that little drive through dude! Otherwise I’ll wring his lil’ pizza faced neck like I did that hillbilly Clay.

You know who else I love though, dude? My ol’ man, bro. Didn’t even know him for 21 years, but now he’s like my bestest bud. Can’t wait to split a case of Natty Light with him and just chill out watching the X-games and sheet. Yo, it’s been fun but I gotta run, me and my pops are gonna go stand in line for jackass: the movie, but they’ll prob’ly let me in free and sheet since I’m like America’s favorite bad boy now. Prob'ly be gettin' me a guest starrin' role on Fastlane and sheet. Peace out, homies!

Roses are Red

So Meesh is calling ABC's The Bachelor a "big frat prank gone bad". Something about the show needing to be canned before more chicks end up feeling like "losers". Just because a guy finally has the odds in his favor, I think calling it a 'frat prank' is a little bit of a reach, don't you? I'll save my thoughts on the plight of the single guy and how the entire dating and courtship process is culturally biased against the male gender for a later date, sooooo moving on...

I'm definitely not an apologist for ABC as I only visit it for Bachelor, Monday Night Football, weekend college pigskin/hoops and occasionally Damon Wayans' My Wife and Kids. But in the Bachelor, and the pending Bachelorette---featuring Bachelor 1's second place 'loser' Trista, I think ABC has found a beautiful cross-gender niche in reality programming.

What's not to like about a show that in one hour's time can make a seemingly normal 30 year old 'old maid', errr, flight attendant from Texas go from "If this is what love is, then I guess I've never been in love before" to saying in between tears "What is so wrong with me that he can't love me for who I am? What does he think he has in common with a 22 year old?". Unfortunately for some women that is reality----the prospect of being traded in for a younger model. Fortunately for our flight attendant her crash course came during the course of a couple weeks, and didn't involve a joint checking account or custody battle and a decade of her life. Sure she'll have some sleepless nights, but you can't be that upset about a failed relationship that you had less than a month invested in, when all along you knew the guy was going out with other girls, right?

And when she gets back to Dallas and checks the tapes, she'll be able to see for herself that she was mis-judging Aaron all along and he was never really that in to her. You can't put an emotional price tag on learning a life lesson like that---even if it does mean a few months of therapy. And the fact that millions of people were watching at home will ensure that she has friends, families, and a support group of countless strangers who will help keep her on course. Same goes for the psychotic former Miss Idaho, Christi. Hopefully she'll get home and realize that she does in fact need professional help before she starts boiling bunny rabits and hiding in her boyfriend's shower with a Ginsu. And what can the rest of us learn from that? Of course it's that guys aren't turned on by neurotic, short-sighted, jealous, clingy, and dare I say desperate suitors. Well, I suppose girls aren't that turned on by that kind of behavior either.

The problem is this year's bachelor, Aaron, is twice as appealing as last year's swishy 'entrepreneuer', Alex. He's good looking, educated, fit, comes from a wealthy family, plays the piano, flies planes, has a boat, and while he's earned an MBA, there's just enough MidWest Jethro in him to make him seem sweet, dreamy and grounded as all get out. In other words, Aaron pretty much blows Alex, and most guys, out of the water.

However unlike Alex, Aaron isn't telling everyone that they have an equal chance of winning. He's trying to play his cards close to the vest so he doesn't end up making promises he can't keep leaving a string of broken hearts in his wake. That said, he's not above trying to get his lips wet on every single date he goes on, but come on he's a guy! And why shouldn't the talent of kissing be high up on his criteria for selecting a life-long partner.

Actually, I don't think ABC contractually makes the winner wed Aaron, or vice versa avoiding a messy Rick Rockwell/Darva Conger fiasco. They will however have America believe that Aaron and Helene or whichever one of the four remaining girls he ends up with, are living happily ever after. That is until the start of Bachelor 3, when we'll forget all about them and look forward to some new tears.

I think Helene is our winner this season. She's been the only one to make Aaron squirm and demand a little accountability. Thereby representing his only real challenge on the show, which makes her the front runner even over the girls that might be a little more attractive, fun, or easier than herself. And if she does win, than the faithful female viewing poulation will have just received a little free insight in to What Men Want.

So just get over it, and tune in next Wednesday where you can see Aaron "make his toughest decision yet" in "the most dramatic rose presentation ceremony ever" (they say this crap every week) after he meets and gets grilled by the families of the four 'losers', errrr, ladies.

3rd Leg's 100

Thursday, October 24, 2002

1. If I were a pro ball player, I’d wear #3, though I wore #7 and sometimes #11 throughout my youth. And I’d be a fan favorite for signing every last autograph, and a media favorite for speaking my mind and never uttering mindless cliché’s like "I’m just going to give 110%" (which is physically impossible, though I did once give 104% in my company’s softball league). And even though I’d be #3 on the court/field, I’d be #1 in your heart----I'd also generously tip my locker room attendant for looking after my gold and ice while I was at work/play.

2. I think of all the professional sports gigs out there, pro golfer would rank pretty high on my list. And surprisingly pro volleyball player would crack the top 5.

3. I’ve never watched an entire Nascar event or hockey game.

4. "Lessons in Love" by Level 42, and featured during the credits of John Cusack’s Hot Pursuit is one of the most underrated pop songs of the 80’s and is much stronger than "There is Something About You".

5. I’ll go see (nearly) anything starring John Cusack, Kevin Spacey, Tom Hanks, Owen Wilson and John Malkovich, though surprisingly I’ve never seen Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

6. In the last 12 months, on two separate occasions, I’ve been told by two different strangers that I look like both John Malkovich and Andre Agassi.

7. Fandango is far and away Kevin Costner’s greatest film, and yes I’ve seen Waterworld, though never The Postman. I think too highly of Tom Petty to ever stoop that low.

8. Fandango, Rudy, Drop Dead Fred, Sweet Home Alabama, and When a Man Loves a Woman all make me a little misty-eyed… So does "One Shining Moment" at the conclusion of each year’s NCAA Final Four.

9. CBS’s Billy Packer may be the Anti-Christ.

10. I think Top Gun 2 would have been a much wiser, and more embraceable use of Tom Cruise’s time than Mission Impossible 2.

11. I think both Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz are great actors, and not for their work on the big screen.

12. While I prefer to not get too close to chicks who are taller than me, I’d probably make an exception for Nic-Kid.

13. My dad once grounded me for 30 days from my car for getting a speeding ticket during my junior year of high school, and I also had to pay the fine.

14. Another time I was grounded 30 days for missing my midnight curfew by five minutes.

15. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.

16. I’m running out of time to get my own E-True Hollywood Story and be invited on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Becoming a professional actor might help both of these causes.

17. I don’t think Jackass should be held responsible for the self-endangering actions of their teenage copycat fans, and I think Johnny Knoxville is going to be around for a long, long time.

18. I think parents of today thinks it’s everyone else’s fault but their own when their kids get in trouble or do something stupid. And I think the decline of strong parenting and raising tough, independent kids can be directly linked to the rise in popularity of children’s bicycle helmets.

19. If Packer isn’t the Anti-Christ, than it might be Oprah.

20. I’m confident enough in my sexuality to admit to being a fan of The Isaac Mizrahi Show.

21. Along those lines I also have no problem admitting that I have my eyebrows waxed once a month, and in the past I’ve also received in no particular order; hair coloring treatments (highlights), a perm, manicures, and full body massages (both ethical and non-ethical).

22. If Sam Seabourne leaves the West Wing, I probably will too.

23. If I were invited to be part of a Best Of Real World Cast, I’d also want it to include: Cyrus (Boston), Teck (Hawaii), Norm (N.Y.1), Miz (N.Y.2), Kelley (N.O.), Lindsay (Sea.), Flora (Mia.), Ruthi (Hawaii) and Brynn (Vegas). Yes, I’m well aware it’s technically the story of seven strangers----I know this because I’ve never missed a single episode, including the lame U.K. season.

24. The Real World in Hell would include: David (N.O.), David (Seattle), Judd (S.F.), Matt (Hawaii), Beth (L.A.), Amaya (Hawaii), and Kameelah (Boston).

25. I’d probably get a tattoo if I could ever think of something cool to put on my hot body. And no, I wouldn’t consider a tuxedo’ed Herve Villechaize design as being that cool. Funny and ironic, yes. Don’t cha think?

26. When I tell myself I’m going to concentrate on my abs next month, I know that’s just me trying to blow smoke up myself, even though I’m not quite that flexibile…and only smoke when I’m really, really drunk.

27. I’d only let Doug or Vern design my room on Trading Spaces. And I’d have some very unique ideas for the Paige-Cam that I doubt would get aired on TLC.

28. I seriously doubt that Tony Pierce is 109, but then again that hairline…

29. ‘…’ is my favorite punctuation symbol and I like to use it early and often.

30. My ‘usual’ from Starbucks is a Venti Raspberry White Chocolate Mocha. And sometimes a piece of banana bread, and O.K., O.K. you got me----Hot Chocolate when I’m feeling like mixin’ it up a little. My second favorite source of caffeine: Mountain Dew.

31. My freshman year of college I had three girls simultaneously and justly call me an a-hole.

32. My senior year of high school I had one girl walk in to the customer-free Blockbuster Video of my summer employment, and unjustly scream "A-hole!" at me before immediately leaving the store never to be heard from again. She was a psycho that I had to tell that I’d given a promise ring to another girl to get her to leave me a lone.

33. I voluntarily watched The Sound of Music nearly everyday of my Blockbuster employment.

34. Six-Pack was Kenny Rogers’ finest hour. And you may have forgotten was one of the earliest screen appearances of both Anthony Michael Hall and Diane Lane.

35. Erin Gray was also in Six-Pack and is to date the hottest T.V. mom (Silver Spoons) of all time. (singing) "Together, we’re gonna find our way..."

36. There was a time that I truly believed that Alfonso Ribiero broke his neck break dancing.

37. There was a time (4th grade) that I looked enough like Ricky Schroeder to tell gullible female classmates that we were cousins. However, when I failed to deliver on the autograph requests, suspicions grew.

38. During my childhood and adolescence I directly related to (in order) Alex P. Keaton, David Addison and Dwayne Wayne.

39. I find it appalling that BattleBots is robbing Parker Lewis Can’t Lose of a regular slot on Comedy Central.

40. If not for Red Bull, or Jack Daniels, I could probably talk myself in to an alcohol free lifestyle.

41. There’s absolutely no reason (other than maybe desire and poor management) that Liz Phair hasn’t had as much mainstream acceptance as Sheryl Crow.

42. Sheryl Crow is just one of many ‘over 40’ babes that really, really still do it for me including; Morgan Fairchild, Elvira- Mistress of the Dark, Victoria Principal, Madonna, Susan Sarandon, Sybil Danning, Bo Derek and Sheena Easton.

43. I have a hard time picking my favorite Bananarama chick, but I think it’s the shorter brunette.

44. My favorite Go-Go is the short, short-haired brunette, I think her Jane.

45. My favorite Dixie Chick is not the fat one, or the lazy-eyed fiddle player…Which I guess leaves the other one.

46. If someone stuck a gun to my head and said, "Christina or Britney" I might get myself a cool nickname like The Waffle, Wishy-Wash or Flip-Flop. But I might also get a bullet in the head…O.K., X-tina.

47. But Meesh or Moxie, and I’d definitely have to take that bullet. If I were unattached, and five years younger I’d be inclined to immediately head west, pursuing one or both of them----and then I’d write an enthralling, weepy-eyed screenplay of my adventure. It would have a happy ending. And yes, I’m well aware that Meesh is probably an inch or two taller than me, but leaned over the rail of a balcony I bet she’s not… O.K., I’ll choose Meesh, for godsakes, don’t shoot!!!

48. I share a birthday with Michael Jackson, Elliot Gould, and Kevin Sorbo, but since M.J. is a Jehovvah’s Witness----he doesn’t celebrate his.

49. The first concert I ever attended was The Jackson Family’s Victory Tour in 1985.

50. That thing they say about hands or feet being a good indicator of size is false, because I have only average sized hands and feet…

51. I’ve urinated next to T.V.’s Mark Harmon, and the NFL’s Andre Rison and measured up just fine on both occasions. Um, moving on…

52. I’ve never seen a single episode of CSI or 24.

53. I’ve had two bets in my life that I’ve yet to pay off; 100 bucks to a guy stating that Duke would not win an NCAA championship between 1997 and 2000, and 5- 20 oz. Diet Sprite’s to a female co-worker when I declared that Justin would beat Kelly on American Idol. I’ll eventually get around to paying the Sprites off, but I don’t have any clue where that Duke-hater ended up. Good riddance.

54. The only cheese I’ll eat is on a pizza.

55. The best pizza on the planet without question can be found at Fortel’s Pizza Den in St. Louis. Just ask for the Shelly’s Deluxe.

56. I’ve seen Love at First Bite, Interview with the Vampire, Lost Boys and Once Bitten, and I still wouldn’t have a problem joining the day-sleeping, blood-sucking immortal.

57. I am absolutely, positively sure I could win a season of Survivor, even though I’m not all that fond of snakes. I’m not quite as confident in my Big Brother abilities, but I’d take my chances.

58. My younger sister would have you believe that I used to hang her Barbies from a ceiling fan in the living room, and once skillfully shot her tooth out with a bb gun, but the truth is I hung the Barbies from the swingset in the backyard and accidentally knocked her tooth out, which was already dangling on its own, with a Nerf football.

59. I was also the kind of brother to pin my little sister down on the ground and let spit drool out of my mouth until it almost dripped on her before slurping it back up.

60. I never actually dripped spit on her, though she’d have you believe otherwise.

61. I’ve only been handcuffed once, and unfortunately it was a totally un-sexy experience, in fact it pretty much sucked and ended up being awfully expensive.

62. If someone would buy me a Tivo for X-mas I bet I’d immediately gain an extra 20 hours of free time per week.

63. If I ever wanted to get back at one of my single friends, I might set them up with the annoying chick in the backseat of the Kia Sportage commercials.

64. Or if they really pissed me off, the annoying, break-dancing, pink Kangol wearing, shot-gun riding chick in the Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial.

65. As a result of that chick, I hated Dirty Vegas’ "Days Gone By" until I saw the real video, featuring a guy dancing once a year to bring his lady back. Touching.

66. I think Jenna Von Oy, better known as Blossom’s friend Six, is due to lay down for Playboy any day now. And while we’re at it how about Tapanga from Boy Meets World? This is of course assuming they’re both of legal age by now. And what about Stephanie from Full House…How did she turn out? And oh my god how about that Keener girl from My Two Dads!!!

67. If I ever wanted to bring an old flame back, I would probably not attempt to do so with a boom box and a piece of cardboard. A Ouija board, maybe.

68. I’ve never used, or even touched a Ouija board, though I’m not necessarily scared to do so.

69. I have had many consultations with the Magic-8 ball.

70. I don’t think I had my first e-mail account until 1994.

71. Shortly thereafter I began wearing a single rubber band on my left wrist, that I routinely exchange for new ones as old ones break or run out of good luck.

72. I think I’d rather not have a telephone, than not have working e-mail.

73. I went as Kiss’ Gene Simmons for Halloween when I was 6, and Paul Stanley when I was 22.

74. For Halloweens past I have shaved my head, grown a full beard, and had both of my ears pierced, because I’m all about keeping it real.

75. Scrooged is the best Christmas movie.

76. Run DMC’s "Christmas in Hollis" is my favorite Christmas Carol.

77. Before turning 22 I never went out with the same girl on more than 2 dates, not because it was a rule, but because I was never interested enough to commit to going out once more.

78. I once tried to carry on a relationship with a very cute, blonde Mormon girl long-distance, which is to date the safest form of sex I’ve ever experienced.

79. Except for the girl that was on the pill, and made me use a condom and pull out.

80. I did not attend any of my proms or formal homecomings.

81. The first formal I attended was my fraternity’s homecoming my freshman year of college and I got lucky with a blind date.

82. I’ve been lucky somewhere between 4 and 20 times since that night.

83. I went on 4 Spring Breaks (Padre twice, and Panama City twice) during my college years---even though I technically wasn’t enrolled as a college student for two of them---and didn’t get lucky one time.

84. The D.J./M.C. with the wireless mic at Louie’s Backyard has a very nice gig, but I wonder what in the hell he does during the other 11 months of the year.

85. I grew 6 inches in height during my freshman year of college, and gained 15 lbs.

86. I had an opportunity to become a Mighty Mighty Bosstones fan, like my pledge son, in 1993, but waited until I heard "The Impression That I Get" in 1997. I now own every MMB album, and have seen them live twice.

87. I saw Shag featuring Phoebe Cates, in the theatre, not because I was in love with Phoebe, but because my buddy Chris and I followed two good looking girls in to the movie even though we had purchased tickets to Weird Al Yankovic’s UHF.

88. I’ve only said the L-word to two girls, and one of them looked an awful lot like Phoebe Cates, and because I said it too soon---I pretty much killed that relationship. She had little or no cartilage in her nose, and you could squeeze it much like a stress ball or silly putty.

89. When I said girls, I really meant chicks. I don’t think I could be friends with someone who deemed the word ‘chick’ offensive to females.

90. Michael Richards was in UHF, but I still appreciate his work on Fridays, more than his Seinfeld stint as Cosmo Kramer.

91. I’ve thought I was in love nearly 259 different times.

92. A couple of those times I was in wrong----like the one who’s Dad didn’t like me, or the one that upon closer inspection had awfully thick ankles. Cankles, if you will. Cankles, if you won’t.

93. The remainder of which I’d like to think would kick themselves if they had any idea what I was doing or the man I’ve become.

94. The second time I said the L-word, I once again said it before she did but this time without the disastrous results.

95. I’m down with the Stones, and can only mildly tolerate the Beatles, and I give "Sympathy for the Devil" the nod over "Paint it Black".

96. I didn’t listen to Metallica until they sold out and got haircuts.

97. I don’t understand why the long-haired dumbass in the Drink Responsibly commercials slices his own tires when it would be much easier or cheaper to either chuck his car keys in to the woods, or give them to one of his friends.

98. If I hosted a party and some dumbass had sliced his own tires and it was blocking up my driveway all night and in to the next morning, I’d probably have it towed.

99. I am a strong believer in wearing a belt if your pants have loops, and tucking your undershirt in to your boxers. Boxer briefs, mind you. Unless I’m wearing jeans, then I’m sure to be free-ballin’.

100. I don’t like big butts, can lie pretty well, and obviously never, ever trust a big butt and a smile.

3L's Locks

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Not that I'm a betting man, but if I were (on Sunday)---Oakland -2.5 at the defenseless Chiefs, Chicago -1 at the selfish Vikings, Tampa -7 at the Weinke-led Panthers, Philly -7 hosting the New York Football Giants, and San Fran -8 hosting the Dirty Birds....

Less isn't Moore

Really what is the point of FX featuring a blur-visioned, censored, and heavily edited Striptease starring Demi Moore? If it's because some FX exec has an axe to grind with the ex Mrs. Willis by throwing her questionable career move in her face than I'm more than alright with it---'the Ted Turner treatment' as I like to call it for his penchant for airing Barbarella any time he and Jane were fighting. "But honey, I don't actually pick and choose what TBS airs, I'm a very busy man...".

Where was I---"Questionable career move"---was I talking about G.I. Jane, Beavis and Butthead Do America, or The Scarlet Letter? Oh right, Striptease!... I guess I'll cut her some slack as she did get paid $20mill to take off her clothes, and it did help her get Leo DeCaprio in the sack. Hell, I've been known to get butt naked for a single bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or Crazy Horse. Do they even make Crazy Horse any more? And of course without Striptease, we'd still be waiting on the screen debut of Rumor or Scout, or whichever one of her cooky named kids she let appear in that crapfest.

The whole point is with the endless number of HBOs, Skinemaxs, Encores, Starz, and Showtimes there is absolutely no reason for a family-minded cabel channel to think they're doing their target audience of "Pervs Who Like Movies" any favors with their blurs, cuts, and bad---yet clean dubbing. Besides who doesn't already own the Striptease DVD with running audio commentary by Ving Rhames and Robert Patrick? Assuming you don't it goes a little something like this.

Ving: Demi's got a nice rack for a 40 year old---you know who else has a nice rack for an older woman? Rosanna Arquette. She was in Pulp Fiction with me. I played this bad mo fo named Marcellus...

Robert: We know, we know----and I was once this kick-ass cyborg terminator hunter, we are getting paid for this right?

And don't even get me started on why VH1 is airing both Flashdance and Showgirls... I mean if you're not going to show the new No Doubt and Creed videos, at least put on a little Grease 2 for the masses.

(singing) "Let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue----let's do it for our country, our country wants us to."

"Uh, uh, oh, uh, uh, oh, uh, uh, oh-----I'll be your girl for all seasons..."

"I want a cooooooooollllll rider, a cooooooooollllllll rider."

Um, not that I've ever seen it or anything...